People come and people go

Most of the time, it's what happens that changes a person.

For me, it's bad experiences and failed friendships.

Proud to say the former opened my eyes to better things in life.
Not proud to admit the latter placed my priorities into work, fortune and power.

2 years ago, Z and I had this major conflict going on. We ended up with a bigger conflict that was able to send years of great friendship down the drain. But it's funny how when two people put all ego and anger aside, are able to forget the complicated past and pretend that the last 2 years never happened. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to retain this best friend. Z now has a beautiful girlfriend whom I can't wait to meet!

The same time Z left back then, J came. And at my lowest moment in life, he introduced a group of friends whom seemingly would never leave. I made a mistake back then, and they looked through all ugliness and set me back up on my feet. They became who I turned to during my gloriest times and were the gang I constantly hang out with no matter during crazy moments or dreadful times. Good things don't last long and 2 years later, I unintentionally made the same mistake. I never got the help and (not intentionally by any of them), the feeling they gave me sent me drowning every night. J now has a talented girlfriend, and tells me he can never hang out with me like how we used to.

Life's not sad. I've just grown up. Maybe a little immature on the latter friendship? Yes, that I admit. Life is more simplified than it should be. But right now, life is about healing that injured ankle I twisted last Saturday night and get back on my feet. This time, independently. I got this. Friends don't stay forever. And for those who do, be on the lookout. You can't trust anyone 100% anymore.

Except them family members, because who will be more excited to know you achieved the highest CGPA in your faculty, was selected to compete for the coming valedictorian spot, has this potential boyfriend material driving you to places and actually lets you try it out before you call the final decision, and has a bright future in this current company (because the strict executive director looked up to you, not the general manager whom you've known since 6). It's them family members who will not make you choose between worse and bad, whom will not make you feel guilty of the path you've chosen, and though they don't understand where you stand, they always have your back no matter what. Sorry to disappoint, but if you make me choose between anything and family, I choose them loved ones.

Come Home

Guess I just needed a break for awhile,
To get my mind off things awhile,
To relax just for a little while.

Because all those times,
When I thought I was relaxing,
Those were the moments where it hit the hardest,
And the most painful.

Until meeting Kee Yee 4 hours ago.

I don't know.
It's too hard to say.
It's only been a couple of hours,
And I act upon strong emotional feelings.

But if he can score a CGPA of 3.90,
And still be enjoying life happily,
With full acceptance of his condition,
(It's the first impression I got from him),
Why not, right?

Neuron muscle disease,
Or something like that.
He looks into the future so,
So much.

I don't make sense.
I hardly do.
But show others your best side.
And show yourself that too.

Officially a working adult

No longer on Facebook much nowadays.

No longer any uni days and able to walk around the mall at 10:00.

My student ID only expires December 2014 though, and if that's not something to celebrate, then I don't know what is.

You know you're becoming an adult when :

1. You start reading up on bank accounts and wishing you had enough to open a FD account

2. You look into insurance A LOT

3. You know how much you have for EPF and SOCSO monthly

4. You know EPF is KWSP, and SOCSO is Perkeso (Google helped a lot)

5. Checking LinkedIn a little more than you should

6. There's no time for Twitter (remember the times you said you'd secretly tweet at the office?)

7. There's no time for lunch!

8. You actually stay in the office until 20:00

9. You start using 20:00 instead of 8pm

10. You dread Wednesdays because your friends made badminton a weekly thing on Weds nights

11. You can't wait to go home straight after work and get that good night's rest

12. And the worst part? You start declining all weekday night activities and rather cuddle up in front of the tv for an hour before heading to bed at 22:30

(And when I say "you", I meant me. I guess not everyone does the above things, but well, meh, that's currently me. There's a lot more to the list where I never thought I'd do in my early 20's.)

Okay. Current status: Boring working adult.

Much has happened and much has changed

So much has happened since the last time I blogged.

Done are the intern days in Prestige and here's to the first week of this full-time position as a management assistant at CIT. No longer a student. The world now welcomes a brand new boring working adult.

Here's a short update for the past few weeks:
1. UCSI days are all done with the last day of intern on 30 April.
2. It's not that I don't fancy Korea, I'd just rather choose countries that speak English.
3. Loving Broga Hill. Need hiking shoes. Need more stamina. Need to stop being afraid of heights.
4. Thinking of rollerblading.
5. Still an introvert here. I'm boring (not "bored", to all you grammar nazis out there) but I'm loving it.
6. Looking forward to Saturdays.

Things had been crazy. Growing up has been a hell of a journey.

And guess what?

It's only the beginning.

Life is gonna be fun.

10 days

It's been 2 days since I found out I've again been lied to in the name of love and relationships. Only God knows the emotional rides I've been on ever since. It's a rare time to find a time like now where it doesn't affect much.

You'd think a girl would learn.

With the same mistake repeating itself, stuck in the same situation but in a shorter version, there's no one to blame but myself, that I let myself fall victim to yet another mental abuse. All the decisions made that led me here, to all these suicidal thoughts once again... Why on earth did I even plant the idea that sleeping forever sounds like a good plan.

For one, you don’t need to wake up and feel the pain and pretend that everything’s all fine in front of others.
Damn.

I give it 10 days to stand up – 10 days to not needing to constantly remind myself not to break down and cry, 10 days till I'll be able to look at him and still laugh and talk like all those times. Not gonna treat as if nothing ever happened, but gonna look at him and tell my heart "he doesn't dictate whether your day is good or bad."

We're gonna stay in each others lives forever anyway, so might as well make the best out of it.

I think back on the days where I couldn't eat or look into the mirror, and the only thing I wanted to do was to skip class and sleep. It's funny how I could finish off assignments back then and still score a perfect score. That was late 2011 till early 2013. I was young – at least younger than present me.

I no longer can skip work now, (well I did take leave yesterday), hence I'm happy that internship is finishing in another 6 working days. I've not been professional at all this week, pushing responsibilities and all, and I hate that I bring emotional pain to work. I can't control these emotional outbursts, neither can I on these sudden break downs.

I thought I had learned from the previous mistake, to realize I hadn't quite really. So if I get through this (and I know I will), let me really learn from this

(Even though so, I have no proof that he'd been lying. I'd like to think I'm wrong. I'd like to think it was all true, that he's been genuine all along until this day.)

I really do

An open house and a lunch outing to free her from the thoughts of a heartbreak. Little did I know that one small act pulled you two together.

I only wished that I was never involved in that drama. God, why did I try to even fix things when it wasn't mine to handle? I didn't even think I did it out of goodness and kindness. Anyhow, that made the bond between you two stronger.

I missed how I used to hang out with her. Classes and all such a naive young fool.
I missed how I used to hang out with him; closer after graduation and share about everything.

Then that happened. And I knew I was at fault. I left, which she only had him. What did I do wrong? Everything.

I can only wish my impression of her has been all wrong, so wrong, and that he's out of the past misery and seeking for a better future. I'm now out of their lives, but I wish the best for the both of them.

I really do.

Take that one step and cast out all fears

Fear; a simple four-lettered word that has way too many descriptions.

Defined and described differently with each passing individual, they seem to have one thing in common – a hinder from moving forward. The only thing that pulls us back, as irony as it is, is just ourselves.

Take a look at fear. You can’t touch it, see it, hear it (unless you’re hallucinating then please take that medicine you have in your drawer.) But we feel it. It becomes so strong; we come to think that fear is something very real and very tangible. It suddenly becomes touchable, seeable, hearable, and you're not hallucinating. Or maybe you still are.

I fear failure. I fear getting hurt. I fear making all the wrong decisions. And I definitely fear what the future brings. I fear a lot of things, where uncertainty tops the list. I fear but I’m just as human as every person out there.

Fear isn’t real, but isn’t fear a challenge? Doesn't fear let you know you're on to something important? You fear, but you still move forward. Not too fast, but slowly and surely steadily.

People blame fear, but fear will always be a part of us. So don’t block it out. Maybe perhaps just welcome it as an old friend and get to know fear. Peace and harmony has always been better than blood and war.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real but fear is a choice.” ― Will Smith