Destined but not fated

The first step was filled with fear, doubtfulness and uncertainty.
The next few months saw how life could change so much for the better, if only you believed.
In less than a year, I watched how cell multiply and how miracles happened, attended a leadership camp at Cameron Highlands, was photographer for an event, and became a part of the sounds and lighting crew.
For once, I felt that sense of belonging, and always thought I was fated to stay in HSG.

That turned out to apply only for 2013.
And this heart wrenches a lot, thinking about how I don't understand them people who helped me through it all, and how I don't feel belonged anymore.

Things started to change ever since "what about the future?" popped up.
Personal problems came up and accumulated to that all at the same time.
Slowly, HSG didn't feel like that place I looked forward to go to anymore.
And not sure how Friday nights were no longer cell nights anymore.

And just when all was about work, other's happiness and worries were thrown at me.
So though I wasn't able to serve in HSG anymore, it was a starting point.

I always knew someone up there likes me and wouldn't leave me without a purpose on earth.
HSG was great but I don't belong there.
Let's go render somewhere else.



Go out and get some sun.
The sun almost killed me.
Thunderstorm and lightning it is then.

Dahmer turned Dobler

What's that saying of letting a relationship grow organically?

It didn't start with love at first sight, nor was it anywhere near taking a second glance.
Nope. Not even a second thought of each other crossed anyone's mind.
The two had nothing in common, and they had no clue what each other does daily.
It wasn't all fireworks or love letters.
It was just a plain no way, José.
Not sure how the two exchanged numbers at the beginning to say.

He doesn't talk about flowers or chocolates or romantic dining places.
Instead, he says you're a weirdo for choosing to download a movie rather than heading to the cinemas.
He talks about that hot girl in his workplace one time and hates it that you keep bringing it up again.
You talk about buying a car/house in the future, and he tells you he can save enough money by then.
What.
Where.

Never once he hides signs of that typical (ugh) guy whom you just know you'd never bring home to meet your parents.
Indecisive. Quiet. Foul languages. A drinker. Sweet talks to all the girls.
Let's not even get started on his English proficiency.
Okay. I just went all out criticizing.

You had to do the rational talking and reasoning and tell him to stop being such a whiner.
And for God's sake, was it that hard to tell a little white lie between work and uni?
Then later on you find out, that he can't sweet talk at all.

Sam pat and stingy. That's how he describes you. Right.

Never once did you think it'd lead anywhere.
You try to give it a go and see where it goes.
Still nothing and things are better off as friends.
Then suddenly, something happens.
Not sure how it started, and can't remember how it came to be, but kinda seeing how it goes.

"I need to pee."

Okay. Down the drain goes all the remains of a could-be beautiful story.

People come and people go

Most of the time, it's what happens that changes a person.

For me, it's bad experiences and failed friendships.

Proud to say the former opened my eyes to better things in life.
Not proud to admit the latter placed my priorities into work, fortune and power.

2 years ago, Z and I had this major conflict going on. We ended up with a bigger conflict that was able to send years of great friendship down the drain. But it's funny how when two people put all ego and anger aside, are able to forget the complicated past and pretend that the last 2 years never happened. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to retain this best friend. Z now has a beautiful girlfriend whom I can't wait to meet!

The same time Z left back then, J came. And at my lowest moment in life, he introduced a group of friends whom seemingly would never leave. I made a mistake back then, and they looked through all ugliness and set me back up on my feet. They became who I turned to during my gloriest times and were the gang I constantly hang out with no matter during crazy moments or dreadful times. Good things don't last long and 2 years later, I unintentionally made the same mistake. I never got the help and (not intentionally by any of them), the feeling they gave me sent me drowning every night. J now has a talented girlfriend, and tells me he can never hang out with me like how we used to.

Life's not sad. I've just grown up. Maybe a little immature on the latter friendship? Yes, that I admit. Life is more simplified than it should be. But right now, life is about healing that injured ankle I twisted last Saturday night and get back on my feet. This time, independently. I got this. Friends don't stay forever. And for those who do, be on the lookout. You can't trust anyone 100% anymore.

Except them family members, because who will be more excited to know you achieved the highest CGPA in your faculty, was selected to compete for the coming valedictorian spot, has this potential boyfriend material driving you to places and actually lets you try it out before you call the final decision, and has a bright future in this current company (because the strict executive director looked up to you, not the general manager whom you've known since 6). It's them family members who will not make you choose between worse and bad, whom will not make you feel guilty of the path you've chosen, and though they don't understand where you stand, they always have your back no matter what. Sorry to disappoint, but if you make me choose between anything and family, I choose them loved ones.

Come Home

Guess I just needed a break for awhile,
To get my mind off things awhile,
To relax just for a little while.

Because all those times,
When I thought I was relaxing,
Those were the moments where it hit the hardest,
And the most painful.

Until meeting Kee Yee 4 hours ago.

I don't know.
It's too hard to say.
It's only been a couple of hours,
And I act upon strong emotional feelings.

But if he can score a CGPA of 3.90,
And still be enjoying life happily,
With full acceptance of his condition,
(It's the first impression I got from him),
Why not, right?

Neuron muscle disease,
Or something like that.
He looks into the future so,
So much.

I don't make sense.
I hardly do.
But show others your best side.
And show yourself that too.