Thank you for giving me a new chance in life

It was Monday afternoon when I first received news where the Head of Department (HOD) selected the few of us to go for a screen test on Tuesday morning for a video to promote UCSI's Mass Communication department.
I already felt honoured to be one of the chosen ones and confirmed my attendance right away.
No harm trying something new when given a chance to.

Tuesday morning ended with lots of laughter and "Damn it. Can I try again?" moments. I've got to experienced how it was like to work behind scenes even when it only took an hour.

Then, just hours ago, I was informed that I've gotten the role for the Journalism pathway.

It was unbelievable. I was shocked and became speechless.

Me. Of all talented and non stage fright people, I was one of the 6 students who were chosen to contribute in the video!

It took me a moment to absorb it in, and when it hit me, I broke down.

I cried because I'm thankful for given the opportunity to be a part of a video in uni.

I'm thankful that I was given an opportunity just 3 days ago to help out in a music video competition.

I'm grateful that I was given a chance, even with my weak shooting skills, to be a part of the photography team at a church event.

I cried because I'm given opportunities to try everything in life. I'm given a new chance, a new turn in life.

-------------------------

Right about now, many might be thinking why am I exaggerating on small opportunities given to me. Many might wonder why am I even excited in participating something that isn't my interest nor does it offer me a dream come true or a future.

But before you have more questions in why this girl is being thankful over seemingly small matters, maybe you should know a little something of my past.

-------------------------

In 2010, I gave up everything to be with my then-boyfriend. Being the selfish and narrow-minded person I was, I lost myself completely that I was no longer the happy, cheerful person people described me as. I pushed away all events, outings and opportunities given so that I could spend extra time with him. Overtime, I became insecure and suffered major low self-esteem. I had no confidence and was deeply dependent on people. I became emotional all the time. My whole world involved him and only him.

When he broke up with me in 2011, it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I became the crazy ex-girlfriend and did things I hated myself for. Nobody seemed to understand what I was going through. People started to judge, pointed fingers and pushed me away. I hung on, keeping everything to myself, crying my heart out day after day, hoping that he'd one day come back. He never did. And that was only the beginning of the worst of my life because a dark secret had begun stabbing me, killing me from the inside out.

Throughout 2012, I hated myself. I hated the mirror and I felt that everything around was just mocking me. I cried every day. I couldn't eat; I couldn't sleep. I felt sick every day. I cut myself and thought of ending this life.  Everything seemed dark and gloomy and there was like no purpose of living anymore. For months, I hid in my room. Love? What love? Everything was just a lie. Nobody will ever have a happy ending. Nobody will ever love me. I'm a disgrace.

Until one day, a friend came up to me and said "Enough is enough."

(To be continued)

Love is war

I've done lots of stupid things in the past; most of them being utterly wrong where I still went on and continued on the journey where evil greeted me with a grin.

How wrong could I have ever been in the past? But how can I ever blame what's happened when the decision was mine to make? And can I not say I'm thankful right now for that whatever had ever happened, had place me where I am today?

The past. The past had hurt a lot. The past had changed my mindset. But the past had also lifted me up, making me a stronger person with dreams and goals. The past had brought me here, standing on the ground I stand today, doing things I'd only dreamt of doing, talking to the people I never thought I'd ever meet.

Talk about taking photographs for an event; never did I think I'd ever help out nor be attending this church event.

But one thing's for sure, I could have never gotten where I am today alone.

One decision changes all

If I hadn't sleep in this morning,
If I hadn't take 20 minutes choosing what to wear,
If I didn't go 3 huge rounds finding parking,
If I die die also didn't wanna park at hilltop,
If I didn't stop to take a stone out from my shoe,

He wouldn't have passed by and walked in front of me.
I wouldn't have seen him.
We wouldn't have make small talk.

Funny how life puts things in place when you're meant to face the past.

So, how are you?

Don't lose yourself just because you found somebody

I wish I came across this last year, then I wouldn't have to go through whatever 2012 presented.
Although I'm actually glad I went through it, it didn't have to take so long for me to realize, right?
Then again, I'm glad I realized it in 18 months. It could have dragged on longer but, well, it didn't.

Whatever reason I had on hanging on turned out to hit me hard and smacked me in the face with a "You were wrong thinking that way!"

I thought I would only do things if the person turned out as someone special, as in boyfriend kind.
A boyfriend is different.
I'd only stay up late for him.
I'd only sacrifice time for him.
I'd only cross the continent for him.
I'd only fork out whatever there is in my wallet for him.
I'd only squeeze his hands in too-much-excitement movies.

Oh, wow. Okay. I sounded pathetic. I had to resize the font.
But honestly, back then I really thought a boyfriend'd be the only who would treat me special.
Well, smack me once more for I was wrong.
Keyword: Was

Turns out I'd actually do the same for everyone I love.
Yet, only one thing's different this time.
They'd do the same back for me. ♥



So, turns out crush has a crush on someone else. Turns out I've been overreacting when we're in the same room. Turns out I kinda blaaaaaaa when he's around, trying to get his attention and all. Soooooooooo what else is new? I guess I'm just not ready for a love relationship, not until I get myself right. Goals, dreams, hopes. Relationship can wait. I'm still young; young and free.

Do what is right and not what you want

How much truer can this be?
Looking at my results for last sem, it kills me a little more every time.
WHAT IS THIS!
One goal by August, and I know I'll be able to make it through with hard work and determination, and maybe to study a bit more when there's free time between classes?
Hopes and hopes and hopes, because a CGPA of 3.749 will mean nothing anymore.

Gone but will never be forgotten

It's been 98 days since Ah Gong's left us.
It's been 98 days where I truly believe that life is more than just a guy and settle down.
It's Ah Gong's passing that made me realize there's just so, so much more than just hiding away from the world.

I would believe that Ah Gong has taken most of the bad things away, leaving all the good stuff with us.
Sure we have our downs, but there had actually been more good news than bad ones the past 3 months.

Cousin Joey's gotten engaged (I think).
Cousin Kelvin's crush actually has a crush back on him!
Cousin Jojo has now become more independent, especially in terms of finding lunch after every school day (as the youngest grandchild, Ah Gong loves her the most, hence the do-everything-for-her including washing her school shoes and preparing breakfasts and lunches).
And sister Anni has finally gotten rid of that lalala boyfriend of hers. Oh, the joy!
Oh, and Dad's business is growing. Not to mention Mum is getting stronger every day.

And me? Ah Gong's given me back the confidence I've been lacking. So far, things hasn't been too bad. Ups and downs are surely around but at least today I know where I'm standing. I'm still on the way to achieving goals and dreams and on the way in deciding a greater path in life, but I know who I am and what I want.

In the end, whatever comes our way, Ah Gong will always be watching over us.
And if we aren't true and honest to ourselves, Ah Gong's gonna find us and scold us through our dreams.


< Picture taken in 2009 on Ah Gong's birthday!
He used to always say that we're never sincere in remembering his birthday, always telling us "YESTERDAY was my birthday and nobody remembered!", when the fact was he was the one that kept changing the date of his birthday every year LOL
(Oh, his IC does no help because the DOB of his birth cert is unidentified, hence the IC's date is, yeah, of no help.)
And his 3 daughters? Nah, I think his 6 grandchildren remember more things than the 3 aunties :p