New Year's resolution

If I had made any New Year's resolutions at any given year, it'd be "to be happy always".
But of course if I kept that resolution,you would see me smiling all year long 24/7, and you know you would have to send me to Tanjung Rambutan asap.
Though on 31 December 2012, I did sort of made more than just the usual.

"In 2013, I will make at least one new friend every month."

It was a big deal back then. You see, I had no goals or purposes in life. I didn't believe in love or true friendship. You could tell how dark my days were, still crying every night and was practically dead after a really boring internship programme for two months.
Meeting new people was actually the last thing I wanted to do.
But somehow, deep down there was just this light and a whisper.
And that led me to making the resolution.

We tend to break resolutions easily, right?
But what happens when a part of you becomes just aligned to it, where just months later after new year's eve, from that super introvert girl, you become this confident extrovert woman?
That was no ordinary light, nor was it some random whisper going through my head.

So 2014 is coming, and it comes the time where old-tradition people like me are doing the ol' resolution thing again.

Nobody does this resolution thing anymore, and no one takes these seriously.
But what if you really want to see a difference in the coming 365 days, and that you really put in the time and effort in it?
It's hard to say.
I guess they may be more old-traditioned people out there but me.

So raise a glass and here's to a new year. Cheers.
May 2014 be the year for huge successes and for dreams to come true, for broken hearts to be mended and goals to be achieved, and that it'd be the year for everyone.

"In 2014, I will be happy always."

"In 2014, I will do at least one thing that I've never done before every month."

2013 in descending order

Cell Christmas party; did games. What! Yes! Me!
Baked cake for mum's birthday
Piano ATCL Diploma exam
Escape Room
Met up with a primary school friend whom I hadn't seen in 9 years
Rock climbing at Shah Alam
Organized a surprise party for 3 birthday M.A.N
Takeover 2013
Jogged, badminton, squash and gym all in one day
Dogathon 2013
Part time at myBurgerLab
Planetshakers in HSG
Spritual Parent Training
Kena a prank call
Leadership Camp at Cameron
Nick Vujicic
3 types of coffee; mocha, latte, sumiyaki; literally couldn't sleep the whole night
Sound and Lighting in HSG
Hiking and cycling at FRIM
Car battery died at a petrol station right before going for cell
Sleepover at Su Ean's, followed by two more at my place
Risk
Mice and Mystics
Folded over 1,000 paper stars in 2 nights for cell multiplication
Car door hit my eye
UCSI's Mass Comm video
Midnight movie; reached home at 4am
Isaiah's music video shooting
Amateur photographer at HSG
BioShock Infinite
Laser tag

After 2 years of isolation, I can't believe all these happened in 2013 itself, for most of them consist of the things I've done for the very first time in my life! But what I'm proudest most for 2013, is that sudden boost of self-esteem. Turning 21 has really been the year of freedom :)

Last week

My last post was updated 2 weeks ago, but it had felt like a long time since I last logged into this page. Truth be told, the past 2 weeks had been so busy, so happening, that things that happened last week didn't feel like they had happened just last week.

You know those times when you did something just 5 days ago, but then it feels like such a loooooong time ago? Then you look at the calendar and realize it wasn't that long ago. I get that a lot, that sometimes at night it feels like whatever I had done this morning seemed to be long and far gone.

I'd gone to Escape Room only on December 2, 2013? It felt like forever!

I have this small little self-made planner that only I can understand, and I'm thankful I came up with jotting down everything that's happened, or what is planned for these 4 months' sem break. As for the last 2 weeks, it included mum's birthday, cell's Christmas party, practice day and the actual day of sounds for Christmas service, last minute Christmas shopping, Christmas eve & Christmas Day & Boxing Day with the family. Not to forget 4 shifts of work (only?!), and 2 badminton sessions within a period of 6 days.

This week had been crazy; crazy in a fun way.
Last week had been, wow, just last week.
Next week; and next week will be a new year, where I'd really be needing a planner.

Single because

I knew I was gonna blog about this one way or another! Once a hopeless romantic who loves love, always a hopeless romantic who loves love. It's just like some drug that's possessing every cell in my body, and the withdrawal symptom? Is to take me back to the memories where I was deeply loved and deeply in love.

I have tons of reason for being single today.
Single because living with 83 cats at 83 years old sounds cool.
Single because when I stress, I'd just sit and stare at the wall. (Haha. No, I don't. Or do I?)
Single because I never forwarded those crap chain emails when I was 12 and if I'm right, I've still got 20 more years of bad luck. (Gotta give a hand to Praven for tweeting such epic reason.)

But whatever the reason is, I fell madly in love at 18, right when I first stepped foot into uni. It didn't last and I took the next few years recovering from a broken heart. By the time I snapped out of it, I was rushing for final year subjects. I never had the time to enjoy uni life to the fullest (thankful I still had 8 months), and that kinda in a way, went to waste.

Yes, it still does affect a little, if not, I wouldn't be talking about it :p

Looking onto the part where I need to fill in any ECA's, uni life's been a blank. My proudest moment was finding my self-confidence that led to leading the whole choir team in high school. And it's just a mehh to know I would have achieve something from uni if I gave it a try. Sure, I can blame the events all clashing with my piano lessons. But deep down, when you know it, you know it.

So, I fell in love. And that left a scar and a bad impression, an impression that love restricts you and you'd lose yourself.
I know it's not true. It's just fear.
So when I say I'm not ready, I'm dead serious. It takes time to forget what fear means.

Until then, single's been quite fun and interesting.

Without music, life would be a blank to me (Emma Jane Austen)

13 years isn't a short period of time, and being here 13 years later, I am more than thankful for my parents to have sign me up for my very first piano lessons at 8 years old.

Every week had been busy and stressful for the past 13 years, as being lazy winds up having you not being able to practice any piano pieces and hence get scolded during classes. Strict teachers are good; they make you fear them in a way, in a good way.

Today, I walked into One World Hotel and played all 4 ATCL pieces. It took me 3 years to this exam day. I only have myself to blame in why it took so long.

Many people stop at Grade 8 but my parents insisted that I continued on, for at 17, I still hadn't a clue what I wanted to do.

Many people stop at ATCL, for that brings many opportunities in the music industry. Then of course that is followed by LTCL and FTCL. Who knows, right?

So is this the end, or is this just the beginning? We'll see.

You are who you mix with

And because of that, I love hanging out with the HSG people.

I'm not trying to imply that it's because they're religious or something; but it's because they talk about the future. They talk about ambitions and what they see themselves doing in years' time. But not just the talking, they make it happen, by setting goals in life and trying to reach out to achieve their dreams. Some are doing it; some are on the way. Anyhow, it's miraculous to see the journey they are on to success.

A lot of people out there are working 9-5pm daily earning hundreds or thousands, but too often ask themselves, "What am I doing with my life?" I don't want to be that person.

I admit that I've been stuck here awhile, seemingly going no where for awhile. (I guess mainly it's because I've been with people who are just talking about assignments due next week and what are the fun things to do right here right now). Life is short and enjoy it; yes. But there's also a time where people need to grow up. Stay young but also, grow up. A long holiday isn't as fun as it seems to be. I want to head somewhere, and heading no where with no extra knowledge in mind (mind's been a huge blank for weeks), it's scary.

The past few years had everything figured out, especially when it's just education from kinddie, elementary, secondary to college. Homework, school activities and projects were the reason behind that major burnout. But it's a bigger picture now, in what you want to do. Career has never been more a bigger word. (It's not just a job. It's life. Your whole life for the next few decades.)

I've tried various part time jobs in order to gain experiences, but none of them were meant to accompany me for long. I wouldn't want to stay in a boutique shop just selling clothes for 20 years, neither do I want to just stay as a part-time staff hopping around. I dream of something bigger.

I'm struggling; yes. But I'll know what I want and I'll work towards that.

Close the chapter of the past

You talk about all the suffering and how you came back stronger and more mature. You know that you'll never repeat any of those mistakes and that you'll never be caught dead harming yourself anymore. You're proud of how far you've came, and that you've met your true friends. You're free from all that self-hatred and you've found yourself. You're moving on and you're doing great things in life. The future has never been brighter. Then you think about the reason behind all that happened, and you wonder whether you'll ever love again.

You wonder if you hadn't been too dependent on him, would you two still be together?
If you knew what you know today, that you'll respect him and make sure he respected you as well, could things have worked out?

You know you'll never go back to the past, and if he comes back right now, you'll say no.

Fear may hinder you now but it can't haunt you forever.

You'll love again one day. You'll see. And you'll see why that never worked out.

Geeks

It's almost been a month that I've been working at MyBurgerLab in OUG. And not one day in the last 19 shifts did it feel anything like work.

This period of time with the geeks had been all about working as a team to serve high quality burgers in mere minutes. I guess it's because of the close age group and where everyone has something in common (the lab), that it brings us close. It's kinda to a point where pijak'ing each other doesn't seem offending at all. These geeks are all jokers and jokers I say.

Inside jokes: She-hulk, Cikgu Chin talking to the wall, scandals, CIO's, what is sleep? Mute whatsapp!

How we've grown from junior geeks to senior geeks today, it's been crazy and it's been fun. The sense of acceptance and belonging is high, making the environment filled with dedication, passion, enthusiasm and cheerfulness. It makes sense now when the managers had mentioned that MBL is like a second family to lot of geeks in earlier shifts.

Much unforgettable experience gained, and much more funny people in the name of friendships made. The last 3 months of 2013 is something I've never thought I would go through.

Here's to another 8 shifts to go, and another 8 awesome shifts it will be.

Folding pockets with some of the OUG geeks before shift started.

A real great pleasure to meet them all.

Climbing plastic rocks

"Go rock climbing," Viknes said a few months ago. "It's fun," he said.

"Oh, you're afraid of heights? Me too. But nevermind. Just climb."

Okay. Those weren't the exact words that he said, but it was what he meant.

So there I was, in mid-air hanging on to plastic rocks at noon today, using my almighty strength hanging onto dear life. It was indeed fun and challenging but as a person with acrophobia, I died a million times up there. But YOLO right? Again! Again!

And practically, the caption says it all. Imma proud of myself! :D

And it's great to be living in the same neighborhood with this squash buddy. Here's to more rock climbing sections (with more discounts)!

When worrying becomes an illness

"It's stage fright" when I tremble upon every piano exam and concert.
"I'm just nervous" when I fall sick a day before every school exam.
"I'm just sad" when I fell into mild depression thinking it was normal after every break up.
"I just want to make sure" when I went home twice from OUG to check whether I locked the doors.
"I want to confirm" when I was the only one who wasn't a leader for the leadership camp at Cameron, and started freaking out.

Then, it became frequent.
Anxiety would attack at any time without warning or any apparent reason.
I would be no longer in control of my own emotions and would be super self-conscious, doubting my ability to do anything. Blanking out and breaking down happened way too often.

It didn't really affect my life much. But at one point, it hurt me and everyone around.
It doesn't affect much today, but I would turn into what someone will think "Calm down! You're freaking out over nothing!", and believe me, it's not a good feeling at all.

However, it got better in time. And today it only happens when something out of the box jumps out.
Well, you've got to know that I'm the kind who loves staying in her comfort zone. But knowing that's not good for me, I'm going against all odds and trying all sorts of new challenges. And with that, I'm more in control of my emotions.

Though it still does happen once in a while, like example, it's my first time doing assembly line at MyBurgerLab tomorrow, and the first thing that comes to mind is "what if I make mistakes? nah I'm just worried because it's something new" before something inside whispered "excuses".

Damn, self-confidence.

How I got better? Going for therapy would be a good idea but I never had the courage to tell anyone (no one believed me anyway, and no one thought it was that serious). In other words, I depended on myself, and had great friends around to cheer me up (everyone thinks I'm just sad, but He knows best). If I couldn't get help the way other people got help, He had other plans for recovery, and He knew best.

No one's perfect, and that's what makes everyone beautiful.

Fate in friendships

Some people live in the same area but have never met.
Some people go to churches that are located in the same area but have never met.
Some people study at the same uni but have never met.
Some people have many mutual friends but have never met.

Too many times we walk out of a room, only does another person walk in.
You never get to meet that person.

Then fate comes in.

Maybe you've forgotten to take a notebook, so you head back into the room and there you two bump into each other. You exchange "Hello"s and notice how weird things tend to happen around.

Fate lets you meet the people you meet, and if two people aren't fated to meet, no matter how much they have in common, they'll never know of each other's existences.

The people you come across in life are weird stories to be told.
Imagine in another universe, where you take another route in life, that maybe you didn't head back to take your notebook, or that you had never left your notebook in the first place. You and that specific person would have never met. Instead, by walking out that door and continuing your way on the streets, you might just bump into someone else, and that's where you exchange "Hello"s and meet a new friend.

It's funny how fate works.

And it's funny that this mind of mine tends to always think of endless possibilities that could have happened if I had chosen another path. Life would be so different. Life may be better then, but this life is definitely good enough for me, and there's nothing I would exchange for another path to not meeting the people I have met today :)

Because every hello ends with a goodbye

"The two hardest things to say in life are hello for the first time and goodbye for the last."
Especially after you've build some kind of bond.

Not sure how everyone started to get so crazy and comfortable with one another, but I think it's the long working hours and how we all worked together as a team, whereby everyone is so sporting and friendly and are willing to help out one another and take jokes all at the same time.

It's only been my 8th shift, where I didn't think I could mix with them that well at the beginning.
With other important stuff in life, I only can manage to give out 2 or 3 days a week to the lab, in where my last shift would be in December.
But some how, deep down, seeing how epic these geeks are getting each and every day, I'm gonna miss them when 2014 comes.

Being someone who doesn't fancy change in her life, I still wouldn't change any of these.
I would still do this all over again.
I would still go for the interview, have those awkward first 3 shifts, slowly build a bond with the rest, do a countdown and prepare to say goodbye when the year ends.

It's kinda just like cell multiplication.

Life is a building experience, with everything you gain that leads to a better future.
Say for example, if you wanna be the boss, you can't forever stay in the shadows just because it's a comfort zone?
How about getting out of there, screw up the new first week of work, and suddenly be the top of the top?

/thankful to be given this working experience and meeting these geeks/

Thank You.

Now, about the piano exam and no one replying my internship applications...

Take the lead again

A part time job was what I wanted to pass the time while earning some cash on this sem break, but when it's screwing up my meal time and curfew and sleeping hours, the mind gets a bit cacat and goes emotional, and I'm just left here thinking, what have I been doing not spending time with the dogs and the family?

It's been two weeks since I started part-time at the lab in OUG, and being one of the geeks, it has been fun. I mean, I'm meeting all these old and new geeks. I'm learning a lot; gaining lots of experiences; and holding back the urge to clean tables when I went back on my off day the other day. And if I were to go into the F&B industry one day, this would be a really nice touch-up to the resume.

But I guess everything comes with a price. The working hours are 4-11pm (where most of the time, we'd actually stay until 12am or so). It's nothing to do with any of the factors given from the lab; it's just me not being able to be immuned to what's given. I got cranky a lot because I have yet adjust to this new schedule.

And because of that, all the bad things come together. Something like, you attract more negative energy and will so happen to suddenly face all negative stuff when you're in a negative state of mind, then everything starts getting onto your nerves and when you can't handle them, you just break down?

Explains why I couldn't see the Takeover could be a huge turning point. Explains why the picture of people judging me came back to the thoughts at night. Explains why I'm expecting so so much from others when I shouldn't. Explains why I'm being so hard on myself.

How does the saying go? Something about, you can't have life suit you all the time, and that you need to suit yourself with life instead? Mehh, sem break has totally made my brain rot with all that laziness.

I guess I can still turn things around. To takeover, right? And it all starts with a strong immune system, healthy lifestyle and a healthy mindset? Crossing out the laziness, I think I can do this. But with Him, I know I can.

Sem break motto!

Okay, maybe not too brave a thing.

Though it was fun to walk into Forever 21 after they announced "shop is closing in 10 minutes", and grab some absolute bargains, try them on and then walk to the counter and see the I-wanna-go-home face on the cashiers the other day (I wasn't the only or the last customer!), which the same night itself, a crazy thought had us head towards the SmartTag lane and hoped the Touch n Go machine works after seeing super long queues at the toll (it didn't work and we had to reverse, with a car behind us honking like mad).

Also explains people asking "you sure you're not pushing too far?" after a jog and badminton on Tuesday, continued by badminton, squash, gym, more squash, more gym on Wednesday.

Nope. I'm kinda having fun, with half of the time complaining I'm dead bored at home, but yeah, I'm having fun (and always looking forward the weekends when I get to see all those crazy people!)

2 months of sem break down. 2 more months to go. Yay!

Our turn

I don't know anything about mental illness in its most psychological or medical term.
But what I do know is that people can be given second chances to heal from any form of mistake from the past, as long as they repent in it.
Everyone deserves the best in life.
What happens next is how you grab hold onto your life.


All your life you've been waiting. Learning. Getting ready for that one day when the ball would be passed to your court, and it'd be up to you to make the game-changing difference. All your life you've told yourself, "soon". Not today, "soon". Not tomorrow, "soon".

To-morrow, to-morrow, and to-morrow. Life is far too short to be spent waiting. For that one event. For that one chance. The rest of your life begins today. It begins now. Now is the moment you've been preparing for. It's time to step out into the arena. Time to show them what you've got.

The world is watching. Ready or not – it's our turn now.

"You just want it just because you can't have it."

For the past three years, there were always obligations that stopped me from applying for a part-time job with BBW. Every year, I look up the calender, hoping their time will be adjustable to my schedule. This year was no different, and the good news this year, it's during sem break and I had no compulsory obligations. I was free for those 18 days. Or was I?

"Is working at BBW worth giving up 18 days of freedom? Earning thousands in 18 days, is that what you really want? Okay. So pretend that you've gotten the job and are working day one on this 9am-9pm job, what happens next? What happens tomorrow on what you think you want?"

I would ask myself, what am I doing here?

I wanted to work there so bad, I forgot why I wanted what I wanted.

The same happened to wanting to go for the Work and Travel USA programme for the past year.
What about wanting a boyfriend all those years, and so desperately wanted to get back together with the ex last year?

Turns out working at BBW isn't something I really want.
I just wanted to work there because I never had the opportunity to when I really wanted to be there three years ago.

So who wants to raid MIECC this year with me and maintain this customer status we so proudly own?
Books range as low as RM8 :p

Shake planets

So he walked into the room and took my breathe away. So not cool.

Anyway, the past few weeks had it's ups and downs (again) but they all turned out okay in the end. As time passes with these challenges to the mindset and physical surroundings, I learn a little more things about myself, as well as the people around me. So who says bad things are just bad?

Cameron trip on 16th-18th this month with 97 leaders turned out to be the greatest turning point. Lots to improve, lots to learn though. And the shaking planet title? I'll be attending my very first concert tomorrow. Can't wait!

The greatest gift you can give to someone is your time

It was Victor's 22nd birthday on Monday where he cleared out the entire day (even skipped class!) so that his friends could bring him out. Asked him what he wanted on his special day, he answered "Nothing much. Hoping my friends to be creative." The fella super laidback only. Then with Jo's enthusiasm in having sleepovers, that was what we exactly did at my place. And at 11pm on Sunday night, that began the start of one of the best 24 hours spent together.

When the clock struck 12, a huge chocolate cake presented itself and the candles were blown. It was only until 3am where we hogged and slept like logs in the living room. I guess it was a funny scene for my dad to come home hours later to find Jo and Sam sleeping in the downstairs guest room, Victor and KJ sleeping on the floor, and Laureen and myself taking up the two couches.

We spent Monday playing Chapter 3 of Mice and Mystics and a game of Monopoly before heading off to TGIF in Midvally for a long dinner. Though it didn't seem much to do, time flew by. It was a fun experience especially being able to spend time together talking, laughing, staying up late, talking some more, laughing some more and waking people up with pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. God only knows how strong the bond was strengthened.

Victor had a great time in the end (by seeing how he spammed Facebook, Twitter and text messages) and it was a really satisfying feeling felt that he felt happy and valued and loved on this special day. It was an "awwww", all warm and fuzzy moment to know he appreciated everything that was done to place him in spotlight.

Though I've only personally known him less than a year, cheers to more birthdays to come and for this friendship's existence. Looking forward to more years to come, and quoting Victor, stoked to see what's gonna happen to the Saujana gang in the future.

I'm a hopeless romantic

I don't wish for future him to be tall dark handsome, nor do I want him to stay a crazy workaholic. Nope. I would just want quality time where we would laugh over things together.
I don't wish for him being the smartest, strongest, funniest person alive, as he would fulfill all when he meets my three criteria. These criteria; they seem so easy to meet but are actually so hard to find.

I like the idea of falling in love. I like the idea of love itself. I like the idea of flowers and chocolate and handwritten letters and candle-light dinner. They don't need to be expensive; they just have to be genuine. And of course, there's always the part to meeting the three standards set.

I don't wish for future him to be perfect in every single way from the way he walks, talks, dresses, eats and socializes. In the end of the day, I just wish for him of two things, where one consists that he'll accept about that one past mistake and not mind one bit.
I wish for that.

Sometimes things don't work out for better plans to take place

I can't do this anymore.

I talk about it a lot. Not because I'm not over it, but because it has became a turning point for me for another chance at life. Gaining a lot from it, not only did it open up my eyes, it showed me this wasn't uncommon. One way or another, everyone goes through similar situations. There are many things that we don't dare face, accept, conquer, fight. Kinda in a way we just stare, hoping they'll go away in time. But problems don't just go away. You do something, and everything starts with the mind. If the mind can't think straight, what gives the ability to anyone to...expand?

I don't understand.

I had never been the one to appreciate the things I had. In fact, I was the kind that focused a lot on what I didn't have. I had never seen how rich I already was with quite a satisfying fulfillment of the basic psychological human needs. I had shelter, food, good health, friendship, family but I was never satisfied. I shot myself with questions like "Why no" instead of "Why yes". Adding salt to the wound, I didn't really know how to appreciate anything until they were gone. I was constantly focusing on my flaws and making unhealthy comparisons that I didn't believe that born to do something great.

I don't see us in the future.

I was pampered growing up. I have such protective parents they made sure I was always safe and had the best of everything. I was safe behind walls that I never saw any of the ugly side of the world. I knew about human trafficking, suicides and drug cases, teenage pregnancy; but I never acknowledged them, thinking if I didn't think of them, they wouldn't be real. So wrong, so wrong. Then I got involved in self-abuse and self-hatred and suddenly everything felt so real. It was scary. Everything suddenly became so dark. Where were the fairy tales happily ever after and rainbows and sunlight and greens?

We can try to make it work.

I talk about it a lot. Not because I'm still living in the past and not wanting to move on, but because I have accepted it and I need a reminder -- a reminder to tell me not to take anything for granted. Things happen for a reason and how the mind thinks, it's just equally as important in trying to do something. Problems are being thrown at us every now and then, and that serves as a strong faith, trust and belief. If I could have gone through all that and had actually managed to get out of it, what are the challenges and tests slapped at me right now? Sap sap sui. And if I can move on and still can laugh about it, everyone else can.

It's not going to work. I hope for the best in your future.

"The future", it's a funny word. Every new day is a future. Tomorrow's the future; the next hour minute second is the future. Aaaaaand the future finally seems to be working out alright :)

Signing off at 12.52am. Good night.

When there are "Hello"s, there are "Goodbye"s

As I walked into the campus this morning, I looked up to Block A's building where the 'UCSI' word has got to be the most obvious sign to tell you you're in the right place. Kuala Lumpur, South Wing.

And I can't help but to think back (again!) of how much has happened since the first time I set foot in this place -- Fell down right at the entrance on a rainy evening and hurt my back. Couldn't walk or sit or lay without feeling pain for 3 days. (Then I fell down again on my own front porch a week later.)

UCSI seemed like the perfect choice because of its location and low cost of fees.
Then we moved and I contributed in making the road more jammed every weekday morning.

First sem in May 2010 has got to be the beginning of the most epic change of my life.
Counting down the times, I've never been good at learning from mistakes until then.
I literally fell for a fella, where I actually fell in front of him and twisted my ankle on the staircase.
(Oh, and I walked into the library's sliding glass door that once.)

Well, of course things didn't work out and here I am!
(Scary how everything happened and links to result in where you stand, or fall, today.)

Nothing epic happened recently. Almost kena robbed 5 months back, a fire at Hilltop, and a bus that went haywired and crashed in campus. Yeah. Nothing much. I'm just thankful I didn't fall anymore.

So I've just been back from taking the final exam paper, and that marked the last day of the semester!

Ever actually tried laughing and staring at a paper because you had no idea what to answer or how to place words into sentences, and that you know you're just - one word - screwed?
10 minutes had passed when I realized I had just been staring at the paper.
(These things actually do happen!)

Love, heartbreak, friendship, faith, belief and lots of crazy stuff in the past 10 semesters, uni had definitely given me priceless and unforgettable experiences.
Can't wait to see what the next stage would bring :)

Black and white keys

She lay on the couch. Looking up to the ceiling while stroking her dog's tangled fur, time slowed down.
She got up and looked around the room. Still and silent. Still and -- silent.

"What was all that about?"

Too still. Too quiet.
She walked to the black and white keys, and stayed there for hours.

Married men. Why do some act like they're single?
Single women. Why do some go after men who just aren't -- single?
And why do life questions always seem to appear out of nowhere when you're thinking about absolutely nothing on a lazy weekend afternoon?

She'd been up all night. She never expected that.
Not at 1 A.M.
Not at 3 A.M.
And definitely not at 5 A.M.
She fell asleep even before the clock struck 5 anyway.

3 o'clock. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't feel anything.
6 o'clock. Messages came flooding in. And they just continued.
9 o'clock. It doesn't seem as hurtful as she thought it would be.
12 o'clock. I don't think she's gonna learn.

She had her answer, and that was all that was needed.

Secrets

I've never been good at keeping them.

Don't get me wrong. I keep people's secrets; I just don't keep mine to myself LOL.

I don't have secrets; I only have things that people don't know about.

Bits and pieces of my life are shared among all my friends and family.

I don't believe in secrets; I just believe that people should have their privacy on certain matters and not everyone should know everything.

For me, I don't feel the need to hide anything, and hiding something about myself isn't me.
I'm quite cacat this way.

But now there's one and it's killing me that I can't tell.
Well, it's actually someone else's but it's kinda affecting me.
So how can I tell someone about it and not expose the person at the same time?
Way out of my comfort zone.

Why do people have secrets if you're not from the National Security, Defense and International Relations department anyway?
Apart from walking up to strangers and telling them your house address, where you put your keys and at what time you're not home, what are actually secrets for us normal ordinary people?

What are secrets meant to be?

What's graduating like?

Today marks the last class of the semester, my final semester.
So the 7 of us decided to celebrate this day with lunch at Marco's Pizza.
Previously, we received a cash voucher of RM150 for the best presentation in Branding class.
So why not?

Had we any idea the place was located right opposite of Kelana Jaya LRT Station, we would have just taken the train instead of driving 2 cars, being stuck in the jam for an hour, passing through tolls and being trolled by the GPS.

All in all, everything turned out great. We ordered 3 large pizzas, 4 soups and a drink each, which in total costed RM200. We kinda looked up the RM150 voucher a little too much.

Lunch went on for 2 hours, where we just talked and ate and talked. Madagascar 3 was shown on the television there, where we (were just being super awesome the way we were and) just sat there watching the movie like little kids. We made ourselves at home and literally laughed out loud at the restaurant.

More plans had been made for hang out sessions before most of them start their internship in September.

***

I would say, things had been crazy.
This hadn't exactly been the best week yet but it hadn't been the worst either. Today made it up.
I would definitely miss being a UCSI student where I get to walk in and out of classes with wonderful course mates.
Honestly, we all have regrets in life, and I would look back and always ask myself why I hadn't been hanging out with these people more, where I laid my priorities on something else that wasn't worthwhile for so long before this. (I'd only been getting close and started hanging out with them only this year.)
But we work along these regrets, where we learn from them and try our best not to repeat them, for I would always value the times these people had included me in their gatherings and social life.

There are still 2 more assignments that need to be handed in via email next week, and one final paper on the 14th August, and of course there's still a 4-month internship period to go next year. But, it's not the same anymore.
I don't have classes anymore. I don't need to go for consultations or work on anymore tutorials.
I wouldn't need to fork out so much money to print on colour'ed assignments or have to stress on redoing any written reports. I'm kinda in a way done as a Uni student.
I've kinda in a way graduated already. Not yet but it feels like it.

Even though there were lots of drama happening with lots of gossips around, and all the stressful works given, this last semester had been the best semester. 10 semesters had gone, leaving one more to go (for internship). Convocation next year will then be another story.

We've been looking forward to completing Degree for so long, and now that it's here, it's actually here.
I haven't even graduate, and I'm missing life as a student already. Mehh.
Life moves on though, and it's kinda cool too that I'm moving on to the next stage in life.

I'll miss it but better things come to those who move and walk forward.
Everything that's going on right now may seem like the perfect place to stay in right now, but for how long?
Comfort zones need to be pushed out from and time doesn't wait.
We seize the opportunity and when the time permits, it's time.
I'll miss UCSI times, but even better things await.

As for those who are still stuck in UCSI for another semester or another year to go (especially in Mass Comm course), Oooooomygosh. Good luck, because with all the changes made in the past 2 years, you'll be needing it a lot more than you think.

Signing off at 1.15am.
Good night!

July

When you think of February, you think of red and Valentines Day.

Same when you think of December, you think of green and Christmas.
So what about July? What comes in mind when you think of July?

For me, July had always been the most dramatic month for as long as I can remember (2009).

From all the funny funny things that happened, to the most heartbreaking moments, to the most memorable times, to the promising ends and all sorts of stuff, July had always been crazy.

As for this July, it had treated me fair. Still dramatic, but fair and crazy.

It had it's most stressful and frustrating moments, made me feel restless and fell sick halfway through. Not to mention had to redo assignments and my car battery died one night.

Then again, July had me catch up with a long-lost friend, reminded me that I have wonderful jimui's and cell members, and that there's more than just a July to look out for. Something's telling me that things are going to get better, just like how every other day will bring a new light.

I've been focusing so much on the negatives of what happened in the past few July's that when that came to a halt last year, it kinda marked a turning point for me last year 2012.
So I kinda fancy July in a weird way now, wanting to see how the coming July's would be.
Glad to say this July had been fun, and that I've been free a year now.

So July's ending in 30 minutes and 31 minutes later marks August.
A new day, a new month.
And...I guess I'll see July next year :)

Honestly speaking right now? Frustration mode is on. But what on earth. Everyone has problems but not everyone is unhappy.
My problem la. How a person handle the things thrown at them determines who they are, and I'm doing no good here.
React or respond? Respond or react?

What's currently happening? Lazy to study for tomorrow's test.

Oh the other one? Reading back old blog posts and going "Oh God why."

Like seriously.

Maybe it's the changed priorities, and maybe it's the changed mindset and perception of life.

But one thing's for sure, it's because I've grown up.
And that the people around me are finally worth having around :)

Who knows? Maybe 2 years down the road I'll be reading this post and have the exact same thought of wanting to build a time machine, go back to the past and smack myself for being so immature. Uhhh...what?

Oh well, life goes on and lots are to be learnt throughout the journey, and that kinda makes life interesting. And...things had been fun lately :)

Ohhhkay oh crap oh gosh. Just realized there's so much to do in so little time. Fun time, play time? Okay, let's just hold onto a pause right there just for this one week, okay?

Counting 123

Every day,
I count these numbers.
I count from one to ten,
thinking "maybe, just maybe there might be more."
I was right.

Every day,
I refresh my mind.
I refresh what there had been,
that something was just missing.
It can't be just ten.

Then it hits me.
I've never tried this before.
All the YOLOness and courage has taken its hit on me.
All these people around me,
giving me opinions.
The sounds; the voices.
My head is spinning.

I was right.
There was more than ten.
This final semester, by taking all Year 3 subjects for the very first time, never in my life had I been rushing on assignments every day and every night.
Since my mind isn't really concentrating in class now and that all these random words have placed themselves in such sentences on this very beautiful sleepy Wednesday afternoon, tadah.

Media publishing (3 assign, 1 test)
Photojourn (5 tutorials, 1 assign, 1 test)
Media Law (5 tutorials, 1 assign, 1 presentation, 2 tests, 1 final paper)
Branding (5 tutorials, 1 individual assign, 1 group assign, 1 presentation, 1 test)

The above will all be completed in another 19 days.
Yayy!

Be unique and special because that's what you're meant to be

When the person who told me this forgets that he was the one who said it and went all "deep words".
LOL. Mehh.

Life is a challenge, huh?
We smile to the people we see and greet.
We tell people everything's fine when they ask "How are you?"
Then you look into your own heart, and what you see are scars and wounds.

Scars = what you've been through
Wounds = what you're going through

People go through hardships every now and then.
May it be related to studies, work, family, friends, relationships, leadership position and all, there ought to be some dramatic stuff going on that never tends to go your way somehow.
But things happen, and it's what you do and how you look at those problems that make up for how "problems" are defined.

So what exactly are "problems"?
And if life is hard, what is it compared to?

We get to choose what we see and how we think and feel.
We get to choose how we react and respond to things thrown at us.
We choose to see the wounds/scars and feel all down and frustrated.
We choose to pretend the wounds/scars aren't there and ignore everything.
Then again, we choose to look at the wounds/scars and not let them affect us.
So do and stare contest with the wounds/scars or something. Challenge them and say "You don't determine who I am for I'm still strong to move on and live on my style."

One choice changes everything. So let everything be okay.

Know what my biggest problem is right now? I'm craving for chocolate cake at one in the morning now but there's no chocolate cake in the refrigerator. And I have class in 8 hours and here I am still blogging. Hashtag first world problems.

HOMAIGERD DONID SLEEP ONE AH YOU ALL

That's one of the things Jo Ng often says on the whatsapp group when the YOLO clan starts spamming each other at one or two in the morning. It's also the sentence which I can laugh about, especially when I can actually imagine him saying it aloud. And it's also one of the sentences I'm often reminded of when I start sleeping later than 1am, like now.

I actually don't know what I'm trying to type here, but it's more on the feeling where sometimes people can't stay satisfied all the time. As much as we want to stay happy and optimistic all the time, we can't. We're human beings and our emotions are a roller coaster ride. Then again, what's life without a few ups and downs?

Yes, we do get frustrated at things when they don't work out even when we've spend 10,000 years working on it; we get irritated when a car cuts your line illegally without putting any indicator; we feel betrayed and lost when your best friend suddenly turns his/her back on you. Then again, how would we know that we're happy and in for a hopeful change, if there aren't any of those downfall moments?

What's that saying again? ... Oh right. "Rather hurt than feel nothing at all."

I used to think "I'd rather feel nothing than hurt so much." Then turning it around, this is life. We can't just stop feeling. We have feelings. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that when something is taken away from you, something better is just around the corner. Timing's the only walalala thing. Not to mention you first need to heal your heart and feel better before something greater comes your way.

I guess I just get emotional a lot, not in a bad way. I tend to overthink and overfeel.

Like the other day at Song Yee's birthday party.

"The friends whom even if you haven't seen for a million years, but when you meet up it's like you guys have never lost contact."

And on the last day we had cell together as a Subang Campus group.

"To make way for better things. I'm really going to miss them, though I know I'll still be seeing them a lot; just not on Friday nights anymore LOL."

I just tend to make captions of my life in my mind. But in the end, I appreciate every moment I'm going through right now. For all the good and happy moments, there's room for improvements; and for all the upset moments, I know things will be better in the future.

Here's to lots of love to all people out there. Here's to a better future for all.
*I'm just out of fancy words to use. Mehh the repetition of words.*

More second chances

When I first heard about cell multiplying last month, I thought that the fishy Su Ean was only joking.

Then when I knew that cell was actually multiplying, I thought "Hey, it's not that bad. We're multiplied into 2 groups, but least we're still together...kinda in a way" when I saw that the Ben C clan and the Sueen clan were still gathered under the same roof.

Then yesterday, Jo Ng announced for the third time that this month will be the last month where we would be having cell together as one. It was the first time I heard it from the cell leader himself.

--------------------

I still remember how I first joined cell. It wasn't too long ago; it was just months ago.

On 12th October 2012 night, I was stressed, frustrated, upset and sad. I knew I couldn't concentrate on anything so I skipped piano class and went to find KJ. He was at HSG. Note that KJ had previously been asking me to join cell and I declined and declined, until that night, not only was KJ in HSG, so were the Subang Campus Carecell people.

It's funny how things work, and that everything just so happens to be right where they are at the specific timing? Like how Aaron Daniel puts it, "Think about it. There is a reason why you are where you are. You can be anywhere in this world, but you are here."

I remember on 12th October last year, I walked into the room with puffy eyes and super red cheeks. My hair was covering half my face and I was looking at the ground the whole time. But nobody judged. Instead they included me as I was a part of them.

We did a little introduction here and there, shared some fond memories of the past, and to share what were some of the good and bad decisions we made in life. I started tearing at the bad decisions part, and while everyone started giving a concern look, I thought they were judging.

As I was about to leave, I told myself "No way I'm coming back already with that bad first impression", but Laureen came up to me and gave me a hug. I haven't had a proper hug in months and it was one of the things I needed most. For once in a long time, I relaxed and let myself go, and that small act from this wonderful woman was only the beginning, for the first time in 12 months, where I allowed someone into this complicated life of mine and let them help me.

--------------------

I was able to leave my dark, gloomy days behind, and it was their friendliness, warm welcoming and genuine concerns where I went back to cell a second time, a third time, forth time, fifth time, sixth.

So back to 2013 today, next Friday will be the last day that we will be having cell as one group before the expansion in July.
Sure it had been quite emotional for me; I had no clue that this was a part of a life lesson telling me that life moves on. I didn't know that we were going to expand and to be multiplied into 2 groups. I just didn't know.
But on the contrary, better things await. Carecell's a place to expand so that people can reach out towards more people who needs the care, the hug, the love.

By multiplying, cell is able to do much more to make an impact in life.
By multiplying, cell is able to create chances and opportunities for people.
By multiplying, cell is able to bring more smile and happiness around.

So, am I sad that I'd be seeing Ben C's clan less? Yes.
But I'm also happy and excited to know that the future is good. I look forward to seeing more miracles happening, and more inspiration to be spread out there. And the current and ex-members? I'll guess I'll still be seeing them every here and there.

So, to the Subang Campus Carecell people, thank you for everything.
I wouldn't be where I am today without you guys.
Thank you for being a part of my life, and thank you for showing me that there's so much more to life.
No matter whether I've known you 800 years ago or only recently, you all are wonderful and fabulous.
I love you all :)



People missing in the pic: Laureen, Sarah Ann, Matthew, Nick Siew, Su Ean, Adrien

Final sem

Hi. I'm majoring in Journalism and I'm currently pursuing my final semester in UCSI University with many other awesome people. This sem ends in August and excluding the part where we need to hand in our coop reports and go for our convocations, we'll no longer need to go back to UCSI! Whoooots!

Though it's kinda scary, where you have been waiting for this moment for so long that it felt like it's only something to be achieved, that now that final sem's finally here, it hits you saying "It's really here now. Are you ready?"

I think I'm gonna miss being a college student.
I'm gonna miss everyone I've got the chance to work with, may it be in hardcore teamwork, or cacat'd group members.
I'm gonna miss rushing for assignments and all the "There's test tomorrow?!!"
And I'm definitely gonna miss complaining about the projectors that are forever failing on us, complaining on the slow wifi, complaining about how people rush into elevators like there's no tomorrow, and what about the sudden increased parking rate to RM4 and the cacat'ed LMS system, and the sudden change of the printing system?

This week marks Week 6 for this semester, and I feel that time is really flying pass us.
Assignments are piling up and I really should read about that Obama case study, like, right, now.

8 more weeks to go.

Continued from previous post

As I lost all purpose in living, I never believed that I was special in my own way.
Only one person stayed with me through all the thick moments.
"You're only surviving; you're not living anymore," he used to say.

KJ started inviting me to go for outings together with the Subang carecell members.
Trust me, the beginning had been the hardest.
I hesitated a lot.
One part of me wanted to stay in my comfort zone in bed; the other part had a small voice telling me this was a way out of misery.

It wasn't easy though. Even after hanging out with the cell people for months, I turned down all happening events. I made up excuses not to go for 2012's Christmas party at Sueen's. Then I turned down Victor's first-organized waterfall trip early 2013.
I remember there was once in cell we were all asked to draw anything on this one paper to describe cell late 2012. I held back, only thinking I'd screw up the whole masterpiece if I were to touch it.

But even though so, these cell people never gave up on me. They continued to believe in me, having faith that I wasn't the screwed up person I saw myself.
They continued to find me, talk to me, listen to me, and had always included me in all outings.
When I shared out a summary of my misery, they cheered for me instead, for having the courage to admit it aloud.

When I shared the worst part of my down-fall, they didn't judge at all. They didn't even look at me like one kind. They didn't scold or ask why I did what I did. Instead they told me "People make mistakes."

They taught me how to stand up right again; this time returning even stronger.
I'm not proud of what I've been through or the bad decisions I've made in the past, but I'm proud to say I've gone through it and have gotten out of it, as for today I've truly forgiven myself.

----------------------------------------------

I would say I went through a lot. I went through self-blaming, self-hatred, low self-esteem moments. Learning to let go and forgive myself for the things I've done was the hardest, but I did it. Was it necessary for me to go through so much pain to learn what I'm capable of? Of course not. But then, everything happens for a reason. And if I didn't meet my ex, I would not have met these awesome people today. I would not have gone through this tough journey and learn to get out of it. I found my goals and I know what I want. I know what I'm doing and where I want to go in the future.

I've learnt a lot in this journey to benefit future me, but I've also learnt that many people are going through what I went through. People who feel like they're useless, they have no purpose in life, nobody understands, nobody listens, nobody accepts. But what I want to say, if you need a shoulder to lean on, there will be people around who wants to help. Even if it seems like the whole world is going against you, remember there is still someone out there who loves your smile.

Sometimes we think that it's weak calling for help, but I say it's the first step of bravery. If you're wanting to be heard, your life isn't over. You want help but you're just afraid. You don't want to die; you just want to be heard, be loved, be appreciated and for someone to say you're special.

I used to judge until I was judged. And I'm just a little crazy here and there. And just for anyone who needs to be heard, you may message me at my Facebook account whether you know or not know me. I can't promise anything in return or be there 24/7 personally, but I can promise I'll do my best to helping anyone who needs help. Never do I want anyone I know to go through what I went through.

I was in depression for over 18 months. Today I stand strong and look forward to tomorrow everyday.

Thank you KJ, Jo, Laureen, Sueen, Victor, Ben C, Isaiah, Su Ean, Sarah Ann, Samantha, Nick Lau.

Thank you for giving me a new chance in life

It was Monday afternoon when I first received news where the Head of Department (HOD) selected the few of us to go for a screen test on Tuesday morning for a video to promote UCSI's Mass Communication department.
I already felt honoured to be one of the chosen ones and confirmed my attendance right away.
No harm trying something new when given a chance to.

Tuesday morning ended with lots of laughter and "Damn it. Can I try again?" moments. I've got to experienced how it was like to work behind scenes even when it only took an hour.

Then, just hours ago, I was informed that I've gotten the role for the Journalism pathway.

It was unbelievable. I was shocked and became speechless.

Me. Of all talented and non stage fright people, I was one of the 6 students who were chosen to contribute in the video!

It took me a moment to absorb it in, and when it hit me, I broke down.

I cried because I'm thankful for given the opportunity to be a part of a video in uni.

I'm thankful that I was given an opportunity just 3 days ago to help out in a music video competition.

I'm grateful that I was given a chance, even with my weak shooting skills, to be a part of the photography team at a church event.

I cried because I'm given opportunities to try everything in life. I'm given a new chance, a new turn in life.

-------------------------

Right about now, many might be thinking why am I exaggerating on small opportunities given to me. Many might wonder why am I even excited in participating something that isn't my interest nor does it offer me a dream come true or a future.

But before you have more questions in why this girl is being thankful over seemingly small matters, maybe you should know a little something of my past.

-------------------------

In 2010, I gave up everything to be with my then-boyfriend. Being the selfish and narrow-minded person I was, I lost myself completely that I was no longer the happy, cheerful person people described me as. I pushed away all events, outings and opportunities given so that I could spend extra time with him. Overtime, I became insecure and suffered major low self-esteem. I had no confidence and was deeply dependent on people. I became emotional all the time. My whole world involved him and only him.

When he broke up with me in 2011, it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I became the crazy ex-girlfriend and did things I hated myself for. Nobody seemed to understand what I was going through. People started to judge, pointed fingers and pushed me away. I hung on, keeping everything to myself, crying my heart out day after day, hoping that he'd one day come back. He never did. And that was only the beginning of the worst of my life because a dark secret had begun stabbing me, killing me from the inside out.

Throughout 2012, I hated myself. I hated the mirror and I felt that everything around was just mocking me. I cried every day. I couldn't eat; I couldn't sleep. I felt sick every day. I cut myself and thought of ending this life.  Everything seemed dark and gloomy and there was like no purpose of living anymore. For months, I hid in my room. Love? What love? Everything was just a lie. Nobody will ever have a happy ending. Nobody will ever love me. I'm a disgrace.

Until one day, a friend came up to me and said "Enough is enough."

(To be continued)

Love is war

I've done lots of stupid things in the past; most of them being utterly wrong where I still went on and continued on the journey where evil greeted me with a grin.

How wrong could I have ever been in the past? But how can I ever blame what's happened when the decision was mine to make? And can I not say I'm thankful right now for that whatever had ever happened, had place me where I am today?

The past. The past had hurt a lot. The past had changed my mindset. But the past had also lifted me up, making me a stronger person with dreams and goals. The past had brought me here, standing on the ground I stand today, doing things I'd only dreamt of doing, talking to the people I never thought I'd ever meet.

Talk about taking photographs for an event; never did I think I'd ever help out nor be attending this church event.

But one thing's for sure, I could have never gotten where I am today alone.

One decision changes all

If I hadn't sleep in this morning,
If I hadn't take 20 minutes choosing what to wear,
If I didn't go 3 huge rounds finding parking,
If I die die also didn't wanna park at hilltop,
If I didn't stop to take a stone out from my shoe,

He wouldn't have passed by and walked in front of me.
I wouldn't have seen him.
We wouldn't have make small talk.

Funny how life puts things in place when you're meant to face the past.

So, how are you?

Don't lose yourself just because you found somebody

I wish I came across this last year, then I wouldn't have to go through whatever 2012 presented.
Although I'm actually glad I went through it, it didn't have to take so long for me to realize, right?
Then again, I'm glad I realized it in 18 months. It could have dragged on longer but, well, it didn't.

Whatever reason I had on hanging on turned out to hit me hard and smacked me in the face with a "You were wrong thinking that way!"

I thought I would only do things if the person turned out as someone special, as in boyfriend kind.
A boyfriend is different.
I'd only stay up late for him.
I'd only sacrifice time for him.
I'd only cross the continent for him.
I'd only fork out whatever there is in my wallet for him.
I'd only squeeze his hands in too-much-excitement movies.

Oh, wow. Okay. I sounded pathetic. I had to resize the font.
But honestly, back then I really thought a boyfriend'd be the only who would treat me special.
Well, smack me once more for I was wrong.
Keyword: Was

Turns out I'd actually do the same for everyone I love.
Yet, only one thing's different this time.
They'd do the same back for me. ♥



So, turns out crush has a crush on someone else. Turns out I've been overreacting when we're in the same room. Turns out I kinda blaaaaaaa when he's around, trying to get his attention and all. Soooooooooo what else is new? I guess I'm just not ready for a love relationship, not until I get myself right. Goals, dreams, hopes. Relationship can wait. I'm still young; young and free.

Do what is right and not what you want

How much truer can this be?
Looking at my results for last sem, it kills me a little more every time.
WHAT IS THIS!
One goal by August, and I know I'll be able to make it through with hard work and determination, and maybe to study a bit more when there's free time between classes?
Hopes and hopes and hopes, because a CGPA of 3.749 will mean nothing anymore.

Gone but will never be forgotten

It's been 98 days since Ah Gong's left us.
It's been 98 days where I truly believe that life is more than just a guy and settle down.
It's Ah Gong's passing that made me realize there's just so, so much more than just hiding away from the world.

I would believe that Ah Gong has taken most of the bad things away, leaving all the good stuff with us.
Sure we have our downs, but there had actually been more good news than bad ones the past 3 months.

Cousin Joey's gotten engaged (I think).
Cousin Kelvin's crush actually has a crush back on him!
Cousin Jojo has now become more independent, especially in terms of finding lunch after every school day (as the youngest grandchild, Ah Gong loves her the most, hence the do-everything-for-her including washing her school shoes and preparing breakfasts and lunches).
And sister Anni has finally gotten rid of that lalala boyfriend of hers. Oh, the joy!
Oh, and Dad's business is growing. Not to mention Mum is getting stronger every day.

And me? Ah Gong's given me back the confidence I've been lacking. So far, things hasn't been too bad. Ups and downs are surely around but at least today I know where I'm standing. I'm still on the way to achieving goals and dreams and on the way in deciding a greater path in life, but I know who I am and what I want.

In the end, whatever comes our way, Ah Gong will always be watching over us.
And if we aren't true and honest to ourselves, Ah Gong's gonna find us and scold us through our dreams.


< Picture taken in 2009 on Ah Gong's birthday!
He used to always say that we're never sincere in remembering his birthday, always telling us "YESTERDAY was my birthday and nobody remembered!", when the fact was he was the one that kept changing the date of his birthday every year LOL
(Oh, his IC does no help because the DOB of his birth cert is unidentified, hence the IC's date is, yeah, of no help.)
And his 3 daughters? Nah, I think his 6 grandchildren remember more things than the 3 aunties :p

Sem break - Day 13

Next semester (May-August 2013) will be my last semester in UCSI. The rest would be internship and another internship, then convocation in 2014, Then it'll be "Goodbye forever, UCSI."

Honestly, I never liked life there.
-Maybe it was because 'One of my first friends made in UCSI ended as my boyfriend, which meant all my time was spent with him and I never went to explore any further'.
-Maybe it was the bad break-up hence everything, every corner in UCSI has a stain in good/bad memories.
-Or simply maybe UCSI is just concerned in its students paying on time every semester without giving the best of lecturers, teaching methods, facilities and so forth.
The food had also gone from bad to worse since the first day I entered in 2010.
And the price? Everything's increased, from the failed electricity, to the food-gone-bad, to the we-had-already-paid-for-the-printing-machine-but-we-still-need-to-pay-more-starting-January-2013-semester.
And the notes and UCSI's webpage and stuff? Let's not even get started on how okay-standard turned to worse than lousy.

Anyway, I guess that's one of the contributing reason why this sem break, my last sem break, has been so far the best. Because this sem break, I've been more on the happy-and-proud-to-be-single.
The last 3 years of sem break had been more of a mourning-for-ex time.
But I'm proud to say I've gotten out of it, and better plans await.
UCSI days are gonna be behind me.
Left but not forgotten. Forgiven but never to be forgotten.

Either way, sem breaks had never been more fun, interesting, fabulous, productive and healthy. I'm much happier, now that final semester's coming. I guess college life and I never did work out, and if there was a next life, I'd live life to the fullest without giving everything into love relationships. I'd remind myself, if I could, that if a relationship comes, it'd come.

The bunch of new friends from care-cell had been very much the contributors of the greatest sem break ever.
These happening, forever-most fabulous and awesome people, I tell you ahh, it's like they never run out of ideas, money and energy on the best activities.
Even when I'd only known them for 6 months, they're people who are genuine.
I guess along the journey, we'd really learn who our true friends are.
*shrugs*

I guess it's also true that when you're finally looking at life in the positive light, and giving yourself another chance, that life really does give you another go.

Sure I've been slacking and relaxing a lot the past 3 days at home, but I've also been out a lot.
Dinner, skating, badminton, birthday celebration, advice on a new life new chance new opportunity.
Supper, squash, movie, pasar malam, another birthday celebration, more of a new life new chance new opportunities.
I guess it hasn't been too bad so far.
Still, there's much to learn.

4 more subjects to go next sem.



Oh, and was it ever mentioned that there's this huge crush/admirer in town? :p
I think this could go beyond other ordinary crushes. And let's just hope I have the courage to do anything about it. Till then.
 And he's online!
*squeals* jumps in joy* crazily laughing for no apparent reason* oh gosh

♥ Spread the love, people!

No more of all the what had used to be, now that every day's a new time to shine.

With these loved ones around to shower me with love and support all the time, I guess whatever emptiness has left, leaving all random happiness around.
My mum. I love my mum ♥

Though again, life isn't always that great. Then again, what's life without a little roller coaster ride?
A little bit of good and bad and epic and random and spontaneous and impromptu-ness, life has never been more perfect.

In the past 2 years, things had been rough and tough and hard and difficult.
But not going any further than that, I'm glad that I've come across a group of people who accepts me for me.
Not only do they give full support for everyone and everything, they even whack, smack, shoot, hug, spam, call, find you until you get back on the right track.

They don't judge or poke your back or spread rumors around.
They make all things good by believing, believing and believing.
They listen and help you to achieve the best in life.
They give without asking for anything in return.
And best of all, they include you like no one has ever before.

You don't have to be perfect for them to fall in love with you.
As long as you're there and ready to mingle, they're all there with open arms.
You can be at your worst, or at your most jerk-iest side, but being who they are in believing everyone is equal, they don't judge.
Because everyone has a story, and nobody is perfect, and nobody can ever stand on their own being all strong and stuff.

So I'm really thankful for these people who has draggggggged me out of misery, despite all the times I withdrawn myself countless of times.
Yup, these are the people who would spam and spam and spam you until you get so annoyed that you have to reply them one way or another xD

I don't know la.
After knowing them, things have never been brighter.
Things automatically went on all-downright positive mode.
Especially on family side.
Yea sure sometimes you wanna strangle and murder these loved ones, but love conquers all, and you suddenly have the strength to carry on and all.

If we can all see love visually, you'd be seeing me giving it out to all those people around me.
I love them, like really really a lot.
My family's one, but this bunch also acts as family.
And with love, there's more than just love.
It's love, support, inspiration, motivation, living your dreams, and making dreams come true.
Love la, in short xD

So, who's ready for a new challenge in life?
Not me. I'm on sem break mode for now x)
♥

Wrote these in under 10 minutes as a class exercise the other day.
I'd say I'm proud of what I came out with, but more improvements to go!
Talk about the lack of knowledge I have in my head, that's limiting me...

The lack of humanity in the 21^st century is disturbing. We see scenes where the society would leave animals in floods because human beings are more precious, and that animals are just animals.

What about the time where high-class society thinks that not being able to buy the latest season’s clothes is depressing, and where the beggars on the road are alright the way they live?

Hence, when humanity is shown today, it is immediately highlighted and it is seen as something unique. One small deed can turn out to be a heroic act where people would be in awe.

Like in the image shown, a traffic police is seen helping drivers who had their vehicles stuck on a flooded road. It is a small action done, but his actions speak louder than words.

He did not need to do what he did; he could just walk away and let drivers deal with the problem of moving their vehicles on their own. But he stayed. He is seen as a hero. Or, well, is he?

I was lucky. But what if I wasn't?

Last Thursday would be the last time I'd ever park in an alley.

Sureeeee, it's easier to find parking at peak hours and sometimes it helps on saving money (because you don't wanna pay extra on parking money). It also hides your car away from traffic police who will give these kind of illegal parking parking summons.

Then again, it's dangerous. Especially when you're alone. No matter the gender, someone would still do stuff on you, may it be robbing, stealing, snatching your belongings, or worse, murder, rape and so forth.

You hear stories of all these ordeal happening to others, and yes you'd say I'll be careful and watch my back. Yet, the sad truth is, you don't really take precaution, until something happens to you, until you experienced it.

I learnt that the hard, shocking way.

I placed all my belongings in class, to realize I left my phone in the car (parked right outside of UCSI University south wing's back alley). I went back with just my car keys, and yeah, I didn't even bother to see who was around me, watching me, preying on me ready for ambush.

It was 9am, and I reached for my phone and locked the car. Once I walked out of the alley, this man walked up to me in a friendly approach asking me how I was, and at the same time pushing me back into the alley.

He was African. But then again, these kind of people could be anyone of different race, can't they? Chinese, Malay, Indian....

He grabbed my shoulders, and when I tried to walk away, he grabbed both my wrists.

Seeing the car keys and phone in my hands, he repeatedly asked where I parked my car.

Whenever I tried to struggle free, he would grab me tighter. The slight bruises lasted for almost a day.

I panicked until I forgot to scream. I forgot all ways of kicking him and fighting back and defending myself. All I thought was just to run away right that moment.

Of course I couldn't run. He hung on so hard if people were to past by, they'd think we were a couple breaking up or something.

Something then happened. Maybe a bunch of people passed by and looked, because he let go of me and backed away.

I ran. I looked back and saw no one following me, and I ran back to college.

I was reluctant in making a police report. I was so frightened that I didn't wanna think of it. But I was terrified. I skipped the day's classes and went to a friend. She and some others then convinced me into a police station.

Well, things happen. And these are the things that you'd never think happen on yourself, and that's how attackers attack.

Danger always lurks around, and if I could, I'd be telling everyone I know to always be on the look out. Don't walk alone if you're on a quiet street, and always stay focus on the surroundings.
Yes, it's tiring doing all these, but the effort is worth it. Prevention is always better than cure.

I was lucky. But what if I wasn't?



It's not about telling the world about the incident.
It's about sending a message, and I hope all loved ones will always be safe and sound.

Nobody needs to

Nobody needs to know.
Nobody has to.
Nobody needs to.
Why would they?

They know my story,
They know my past,
They know my fears and hopes and dreams.
But do they really know?

They know the insecurities,
They know about the scars,
They know it's hard.
But do they really know?

Do I really know?
Do I want to know?

The words; they sting.
The hopes; they shatter.
The dreams; they dream.

Nobody has to know.
Nobody needs to know.
I don't need to know.
I don't want to.

101

"The more you hide your feelings, the more they show.
The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow."

It was a good day

On February 14, 2012, I received the worst valentines gift.

The letter's still in my room.

It had been a bad day, where I'd returned every single visible memory of him.
Next that happened, I was sitting in this cold, chilly room alone.

Alone, and waiting for my name to be called.
Time ticked and it felt like forever when it'd only been 30 minutes.
How I wished someone was there telling me everything was all right.

I walked in and she seemed friendly.
She didn't say much. She didn't need to.
She just simply wrote a few words onto the paper, the letter,
Guiding me to go to the next location suggested.
Whatever that happened next wasn't her business anyway.

I didn't go in the end.
Didn't have the courage to.
I simply brushed off whatever the letter had to say and tried hanging on myself.

Of course I didn't go.
I couldn't.
Because going there would mean I'd be the first to admit it.

Ginger's first adventure in the rain

Like tweeted on the very day itself:
6 Feb
- Well, it's weird to just sit here, provided I was walking under the rain an hour ago looking for Ginger who was lost for a couple of hours.
- 30 minutes later when I started to lost hope and began my journey home, I heard her yelping, then her collar's bell was ringing.
- I ran towards that direction. Could still hear her but couldn't see her. Spun around awhile, and there she was right at my feet.

- Ginger found me.

It was 4.15pm where it was pouring rain.
I picked mom from work, and she made a joke in if Ginger ran out when we reached home, let her be.
We laughed, and we arrived home.
Dad was standing at the gate, with the rest of the 3 dogs all soaked and wet.
Apparently dad accidentally left the gate opened when he went for a haircut at 2pm.
Dad came back around 3pm and searched for these 4 dogs, and managed to find only 3 of them.

Ginger was still out there, in the rain.

I didn't care whether my jeans reached the ground, or whether I was wearing white.
I grabbed an umbrella, and went around neighborhood, calling out her name every 20 seconds.

It was freezing, and the roads were slippery, and being the non-athletic me, I was growing weary after more than 30 minutes.
I decided to go home with hopes of continuing the search when the rain stops.
But, it'd be dark.
But I couldn't do anything.

It was then when I heard a familiar whine.
I froze.
And I heard it again.

I turned around, ran towards the weak sound Ginger made and,
Nothing.

Then I heard her again.
Where could she be? I can't see anything.
Then I heard her bell ringing.
I looked around. Like in the movies, spinning 360 degree twice.
Then there she was, at my feet.

Where did she come from? Where was she hiding? Where was she?

Well, sometimes questions don't get answered.
She's safe now.
And still in the middle of being trained not to climb onto the table to drink water from our cups.