New Year's resolution

If I had made any New Year's resolutions at any given year, it'd be "to be happy always".
But of course if I kept that resolution,you would see me smiling all year long 24/7, and you know you would have to send me to Tanjung Rambutan asap.
Though on 31 December 2012, I did sort of made more than just the usual.

"In 2013, I will make at least one new friend every month."

It was a big deal back then. You see, I had no goals or purposes in life. I didn't believe in love or true friendship. You could tell how dark my days were, still crying every night and was practically dead after a really boring internship programme for two months.
Meeting new people was actually the last thing I wanted to do.
But somehow, deep down there was just this light and a whisper.
And that led me to making the resolution.

We tend to break resolutions easily, right?
But what happens when a part of you becomes just aligned to it, where just months later after new year's eve, from that super introvert girl, you become this confident extrovert woman?
That was no ordinary light, nor was it some random whisper going through my head.

So 2014 is coming, and it comes the time where old-tradition people like me are doing the ol' resolution thing again.

Nobody does this resolution thing anymore, and no one takes these seriously.
But what if you really want to see a difference in the coming 365 days, and that you really put in the time and effort in it?
It's hard to say.
I guess they may be more old-traditioned people out there but me.

So raise a glass and here's to a new year. Cheers.
May 2014 be the year for huge successes and for dreams to come true, for broken hearts to be mended and goals to be achieved, and that it'd be the year for everyone.

"In 2014, I will be happy always."

"In 2014, I will do at least one thing that I've never done before every month."

2013 in descending order

Cell Christmas party; did games. What! Yes! Me!
Baked cake for mum's birthday
Piano ATCL Diploma exam
Escape Room
Met up with a primary school friend whom I hadn't seen in 9 years
Rock climbing at Shah Alam
Organized a surprise party for 3 birthday M.A.N
Takeover 2013
Jogged, badminton, squash and gym all in one day
Dogathon 2013
Part time at myBurgerLab
Planetshakers in HSG
Spritual Parent Training
Kena a prank call
Leadership Camp at Cameron
Nick Vujicic
3 types of coffee; mocha, latte, sumiyaki; literally couldn't sleep the whole night
Sound and Lighting in HSG
Hiking and cycling at FRIM
Car battery died at a petrol station right before going for cell
Sleepover at Su Ean's, followed by two more at my place
Risk
Mice and Mystics
Folded over 1,000 paper stars in 2 nights for cell multiplication
Car door hit my eye
UCSI's Mass Comm video
Midnight movie; reached home at 4am
Isaiah's music video shooting
Amateur photographer at HSG
BioShock Infinite
Laser tag

After 2 years of isolation, I can't believe all these happened in 2013 itself, for most of them consist of the things I've done for the very first time in my life! But what I'm proudest most for 2013, is that sudden boost of self-esteem. Turning 21 has really been the year of freedom :)

Last week

My last post was updated 2 weeks ago, but it had felt like a long time since I last logged into this page. Truth be told, the past 2 weeks had been so busy, so happening, that things that happened last week didn't feel like they had happened just last week.

You know those times when you did something just 5 days ago, but then it feels like such a loooooong time ago? Then you look at the calendar and realize it wasn't that long ago. I get that a lot, that sometimes at night it feels like whatever I had done this morning seemed to be long and far gone.

I'd gone to Escape Room only on December 2, 2013? It felt like forever!

I have this small little self-made planner that only I can understand, and I'm thankful I came up with jotting down everything that's happened, or what is planned for these 4 months' sem break. As for the last 2 weeks, it included mum's birthday, cell's Christmas party, practice day and the actual day of sounds for Christmas service, last minute Christmas shopping, Christmas eve & Christmas Day & Boxing Day with the family. Not to forget 4 shifts of work (only?!), and 2 badminton sessions within a period of 6 days.

This week had been crazy; crazy in a fun way.
Last week had been, wow, just last week.
Next week; and next week will be a new year, where I'd really be needing a planner.

Single because

I knew I was gonna blog about this one way or another! Once a hopeless romantic who loves love, always a hopeless romantic who loves love. It's just like some drug that's possessing every cell in my body, and the withdrawal symptom? Is to take me back to the memories where I was deeply loved and deeply in love.

I have tons of reason for being single today.
Single because living with 83 cats at 83 years old sounds cool.
Single because when I stress, I'd just sit and stare at the wall. (Haha. No, I don't. Or do I?)
Single because I never forwarded those crap chain emails when I was 12 and if I'm right, I've still got 20 more years of bad luck. (Gotta give a hand to Praven for tweeting such epic reason.)

But whatever the reason is, I fell madly in love at 18, right when I first stepped foot into uni. It didn't last and I took the next few years recovering from a broken heart. By the time I snapped out of it, I was rushing for final year subjects. I never had the time to enjoy uni life to the fullest (thankful I still had 8 months), and that kinda in a way, went to waste.

Yes, it still does affect a little, if not, I wouldn't be talking about it :p

Looking onto the part where I need to fill in any ECA's, uni life's been a blank. My proudest moment was finding my self-confidence that led to leading the whole choir team in high school. And it's just a mehh to know I would have achieve something from uni if I gave it a try. Sure, I can blame the events all clashing with my piano lessons. But deep down, when you know it, you know it.

So, I fell in love. And that left a scar and a bad impression, an impression that love restricts you and you'd lose yourself.
I know it's not true. It's just fear.
So when I say I'm not ready, I'm dead serious. It takes time to forget what fear means.

Until then, single's been quite fun and interesting.

Without music, life would be a blank to me (Emma Jane Austen)

13 years isn't a short period of time, and being here 13 years later, I am more than thankful for my parents to have sign me up for my very first piano lessons at 8 years old.

Every week had been busy and stressful for the past 13 years, as being lazy winds up having you not being able to practice any piano pieces and hence get scolded during classes. Strict teachers are good; they make you fear them in a way, in a good way.

Today, I walked into One World Hotel and played all 4 ATCL pieces. It took me 3 years to this exam day. I only have myself to blame in why it took so long.

Many people stop at Grade 8 but my parents insisted that I continued on, for at 17, I still hadn't a clue what I wanted to do.

Many people stop at ATCL, for that brings many opportunities in the music industry. Then of course that is followed by LTCL and FTCL. Who knows, right?

So is this the end, or is this just the beginning? We'll see.

You are who you mix with

And because of that, I love hanging out with the HSG people.

I'm not trying to imply that it's because they're religious or something; but it's because they talk about the future. They talk about ambitions and what they see themselves doing in years' time. But not just the talking, they make it happen, by setting goals in life and trying to reach out to achieve their dreams. Some are doing it; some are on the way. Anyhow, it's miraculous to see the journey they are on to success.

A lot of people out there are working 9-5pm daily earning hundreds or thousands, but too often ask themselves, "What am I doing with my life?" I don't want to be that person.

I admit that I've been stuck here awhile, seemingly going no where for awhile. (I guess mainly it's because I've been with people who are just talking about assignments due next week and what are the fun things to do right here right now). Life is short and enjoy it; yes. But there's also a time where people need to grow up. Stay young but also, grow up. A long holiday isn't as fun as it seems to be. I want to head somewhere, and heading no where with no extra knowledge in mind (mind's been a huge blank for weeks), it's scary.

The past few years had everything figured out, especially when it's just education from kinddie, elementary, secondary to college. Homework, school activities and projects were the reason behind that major burnout. But it's a bigger picture now, in what you want to do. Career has never been more a bigger word. (It's not just a job. It's life. Your whole life for the next few decades.)

I've tried various part time jobs in order to gain experiences, but none of them were meant to accompany me for long. I wouldn't want to stay in a boutique shop just selling clothes for 20 years, neither do I want to just stay as a part-time staff hopping around. I dream of something bigger.

I'm struggling; yes. But I'll know what I want and I'll work towards that.

Close the chapter of the past

You talk about all the suffering and how you came back stronger and more mature. You know that you'll never repeat any of those mistakes and that you'll never be caught dead harming yourself anymore. You're proud of how far you've came, and that you've met your true friends. You're free from all that self-hatred and you've found yourself. You're moving on and you're doing great things in life. The future has never been brighter. Then you think about the reason behind all that happened, and you wonder whether you'll ever love again.

You wonder if you hadn't been too dependent on him, would you two still be together?
If you knew what you know today, that you'll respect him and make sure he respected you as well, could things have worked out?

You know you'll never go back to the past, and if he comes back right now, you'll say no.

Fear may hinder you now but it can't haunt you forever.

You'll love again one day. You'll see. And you'll see why that never worked out.