When worrying becomes an illness

"It's stage fright" when I tremble upon every piano exam and concert.
"I'm just nervous" when I fall sick a day before every school exam.
"I'm just sad" when I fell into mild depression thinking it was normal after every break up.
"I just want to make sure" when I went home twice from OUG to check whether I locked the doors.
"I want to confirm" when I was the only one who wasn't a leader for the leadership camp at Cameron, and started freaking out.

Then, it became frequent.
Anxiety would attack at any time without warning or any apparent reason.
I would be no longer in control of my own emotions and would be super self-conscious, doubting my ability to do anything. Blanking out and breaking down happened way too often.

It didn't really affect my life much. But at one point, it hurt me and everyone around.
It doesn't affect much today, but I would turn into what someone will think "Calm down! You're freaking out over nothing!", and believe me, it's not a good feeling at all.

However, it got better in time. And today it only happens when something out of the box jumps out.
Well, you've got to know that I'm the kind who loves staying in her comfort zone. But knowing that's not good for me, I'm going against all odds and trying all sorts of new challenges. And with that, I'm more in control of my emotions.

Though it still does happen once in a while, like example, it's my first time doing assembly line at MyBurgerLab tomorrow, and the first thing that comes to mind is "what if I make mistakes? nah I'm just worried because it's something new" before something inside whispered "excuses".

Damn, self-confidence.

How I got better? Going for therapy would be a good idea but I never had the courage to tell anyone (no one believed me anyway, and no one thought it was that serious). In other words, I depended on myself, and had great friends around to cheer me up (everyone thinks I'm just sad, but He knows best). If I couldn't get help the way other people got help, He had other plans for recovery, and He knew best.

No one's perfect, and that's what makes everyone beautiful.