As I lost all purpose in living, I never believed that I was special in my own way.
Only one person stayed with me through all the thick moments.
"You're only surviving; you're not living anymore," he used to say.
KJ started inviting me to go for outings together with the Subang carecell members.
Trust me, the beginning had been the hardest.
I hesitated a lot.
One part of me wanted to stay in my comfort zone in bed; the other part had a small voice telling me this was a way out of misery.
It wasn't easy though. Even after hanging out with the cell people for months, I turned down all happening events. I made up excuses not to go for 2012's Christmas party at Sueen's. Then I turned down Victor's first-organized waterfall trip early 2013.
I remember there was once in cell we were all asked to draw anything on this one paper to describe cell late 2012. I held back, only thinking I'd screw up the whole masterpiece if I were to touch it.
But even though so, these cell people never gave up on me. They continued to believe in me, having faith that I wasn't the screwed up person I saw myself.
They continued to find me, talk to me, listen to me, and had always included me in all outings.
When I shared out a summary of my misery, they cheered for me instead, for having the courage to admit it aloud.
When I shared the worst part of my down-fall, they didn't judge at all. They didn't even look at me like one kind. They didn't scold or ask why I did what I did. Instead they told me "People make mistakes."
They taught me how to stand up right again; this time returning even stronger.
I'm not proud of what I've been through or the bad decisions I've made in the past, but I'm proud to say I've gone through it and have gotten out of it, as for today I've truly forgiven myself.
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I would say I went through a lot. I went through self-blaming, self-hatred, low self-esteem moments. Learning to let go and forgive myself for the things I've done was the hardest, but I did it. Was it necessary for me to go through so much pain to learn what I'm capable of? Of course not. But then, everything happens for a reason. And if I didn't meet my ex, I would not have met these awesome people today. I would not have gone through this tough journey and learn to get out of it. I found my goals and I know what I want. I know what I'm doing and where I want to go in the future.
I've learnt a lot in this journey to benefit future me, but I've also learnt that many people are going through what I went through. People who feel like they're useless, they have no purpose in life, nobody understands, nobody listens, nobody accepts. But what I want to say, if you need a shoulder to lean on, there will be people around who wants to help. Even if it seems like the whole world is going against you, remember there is still someone out there who loves your smile.
Sometimes we think that it's weak calling for help, but I say it's the first step of bravery. If you're wanting to be heard, your life isn't over. You want help but you're just afraid. You don't want to die; you just want to be heard, be loved, be appreciated and for someone to say you're special.
I used to judge until I was judged. And I'm just a little crazy here and there. And just for anyone who needs to be heard, you may message me at my Facebook account whether you know or not know me. I can't promise anything in return or be there 24/7 personally, but I can promise I'll do my best to helping anyone who needs help. Never do I want anyone I know to go through what I went through.
I was in depression for over 18 months. Today I stand strong and look forward to tomorrow everyday.
Thank you KJ, Jo, Laureen, Sueen, Victor, Ben C, Isaiah, Su Ean, Sarah Ann, Samantha, Nick Lau.
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